“Red, with white trim”, said Jeanette Miller. “Purple”, chimed in Cassandra Evans. Women across America have begun to announce the color of bra that they are wearing at any given moment without any prompting or coaxing whatsoever. Curious males no longer need to put forth the same investigative effort that they once used to – merely being a bystander is enough nowadays.
Ostensibly, this movement is in support of charity – the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation – but most women polled do not seem to be aware of this underlying purpose. “I say it to people even before I greet them – sometimes I don’t even greet them”, said Margaret Chapman. “I giggle a little when people look at me all confused,” she added. And she confesses that the embarrassment of saying “white” every day has convinced her to buy a new palette of bras to talk about.
Though women are laying the colors on thick, some people remain oblivious to the concept. “I had no idea why my wife was saying ‘red’ to me all day long until that night when we were in the bedroom,” said Josh Richter, adding, “she was not amused.”
After another year of disastrous sales, Westman Kodak’s senior leadership team decided to completely revamp the company’s business plan from the grounds up. As many analysts have predicted, Kodak’s late entry in the digital camera arena caused the company to fall more than a decade behind its Japanese competitors when it comes to the underlying camera technology. “We were very certain America did not have enough money to buy these new cameras with LCD screens,” says CEO Tony Pencz. “Boy did we get that one wrong.”
Instead of spending another two billion dollars on research and development to catch up with the Japanese, Kodak plans on taking the easier way out – become an intellectual property law firm. CEO Tony Pencz explains, “You see, after being in business for more than a century, our company has been granted a vast collection of patents. In the last fiscal year, by simply suing other companies, our 12-person legal department brought in more revenue than the rest of the company combined. Nokia successfully made this switch in 2009 after Apple Whole Food Market brought Nokia to its knees with its Banana Phone. I don’t see why we can’t do the same.”
According to Wall Street, by the end of February, 95% of all Kodak R&D and Sales employees will be laid off. 50% of middle management, especially managers with engineering backgrounds, will also be shown the door. In their place, a huge team of patent lawyers will be brought on board to fill the cubicles. The company will be rebranded Westman Kodak Intellectual Property, LLP.
Westman Kodak’s first order of business will be suing Apple and Blueberry Technologies for patent infringement. The initial cease and desist letters have already been issued. Apparently, Kodak currently holds the patent to “color pictures.” If this initial legal proceed proves successful, Kodak plans to continue its legal rampage by suing most of the S&P 500. This is going to be a wild ride.
It seems like just the other day that everybody was raving and obsessing about ‘wireless’: telegraphs, radios, televisions, bras, and just about everything imaginable. The ‘wireless’ technology that captured everybody’s imagination was the telephone – suddenly savvy young professionals could chat up to 40 feet away from their phone’s base station for a mere $200 extra. But times have changed – the newest consumer buzzword is ‘multi-touch’.
A parade of consumer goods now bears the ‘multi-touch’ label: typewriters, lamps, musical instruments, bras, and of course, phones. The craze started with the eyePhone sold at Apple Whole Foods stores which was smooth and pleasant to touch. People could not get enough of stroking and caressing the new gadget, and other manufacturers sought to emulate its appeal.
New phones including the Hand Fore and Blueberry Precipitation Event are also multi-touch, mimicking the smooth surface of a pebble. But smoothness has gone beyond phones. Users are clamoring for smoother and more soothing experiences with everything they buy. Appliance makers have rushed to create multi-touch surfaces for all of their products and even granite counters are getting the multi-touch treatment. And in a multi-touch world, buyers are now upset when what they buy or use isn’t.
People are abandoning rough turtles and spiny fish for softer and more touchable domestic animals including dogs, cats, and sheep. Across the country, people have staged burnings of 2-ply toilet paper and Scott’s has introduced a 16-ply version in response.
“When you buy one of these newfangled Le Go-Go Nexus thingamajigs, you expect a certain level of touchability”, said John Sellers of Inglewood, while standing in a long line to multi-touch “The County’s Softest Multi-touch Horse and Lamb” at a local petting zoo. On Tuesday, the line was four hours long – another symptom of the multi-touch craze.
“I wish my wife were multi-touch..” mused Eric Weitzman of Santa Ana, standing in the same line. His wife, standing next to him, agreed.
San Francisco police was called to the home of Le Go-Go Group CEO Eric Schmidt yesterday afternoon to control a domestic dispute. Several neighbors dialed 911 when they heard usually loud screaming and shouting coming from the Schmidt residence around 4:30pm. When SFPD knocked down the front door, the two officers described a chaotic scene. In the official police report, Officer David Brown said, “Half the diamond chandelier was on the floor, shattered. Chairs, tables were overturned. We found Mr. Schmidt crying in the corner of his gigantic living room. An 18 to 60 year old Chinese fellow had a black eye and was walking around screaming profanities.”
Thanks to the brilliant investigative journalism of our close affiliates at Fox News and TMZ, we recently learned the Chinese man turned out to be one of Schmidt’s closest friends. Schmidt’s youngest son, 12-year old George, nicknamed Goog, was often seen by neighborhood parents playing with a Chinese boy. This Chinese boy most likely is the son of the Hu Bingtao, the Chinese man found fighting with Schmidt.
The according to SFPD, the argument started when Schmidt accused Hu of intentionally installing a key logger on Schmidt’s family computer. Being the head of Le Go-Go Group, Schmidt values his family’s privacy tremendously. He forbids his family from using web-based email or storing documents online. Every file is kept locally, encrypted on the hard drive.
Hu denies these accusations, calling Schmidt “a paranoid crazy man who has anger issues.” In Hu’s account of the incident, “Schmidt flipped out when he found BonziBuddy installed on his computer and immediately called in two teenagers from Geek Squad. After wasting three hours trying to figure out how to turn the damn thing on, the incompetent duo told Schmidt it was a key logger. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a black eye.”
As of this hour, Hu is not pressing charges. Unless Schmidt formally apologizes, Hu is planning on permanently breaking off all personal and business ties with Schmidt. More to come as this story develops.
Mort Sugarhill, the founder of construction giant FaceBuilding, spoke extensively for the first time about the different level of privacy that people now expect from their homes and domiciles. Being interviewed in front of a live audience by the legendary Mick Herringbone, he revealed his new philosophy on open building in communities.
“Over the last couple of years, social norms have been changing. People are sharing more than ever, and we are simply following that trend,” Sugarhill explained.
The company began to make these changes in December of last year. The company used to install curtains and walls by default, but now often leaves entire sections open in new buildings and has even retrogutted many of its older homes. The changes have revealed to the public all manner of once-private items including family photos, birth certificates, and embarrassing wall posters. The company offers to reinstall walls and cover windows, but only does so at the specific request of the owner.
All of these changes were made without the consent of the owners, which has led some to criticize FaceBuilding and its history of disrespecting the rights of homeowners.
Jen Gabriel of San Mateo is one such member of the the group that owns FaceBuilding homes we happened to profile. “I took a little vacation time and came back to see that the entire front of my house was gone! Suddenly everyone could see the pictures that my friends and took while we were out partying and dressed kinda slutty! All kinds of random people were writing stuff on my walls and requesting to be my friend – it was horrible!” she wrote in a note to her friends that we found on her kitchen table.
“Other companies would be too timid to innovate as much as we do – they wouldn’t go knock down walls and remove roofs from 350 million existing houses. But we are always trying to improve and keep up with the latest styles,” added Sugarhill. And he vowed that FaceBuilding would continue to innovate, noting that a possible direction for the company would be selling new ‘virtual’ buildings with no walls whatsoever.
After twenty-two hours of closed-door deliberations late Sunday night, America’s largest fast food chain McDonald’s agreed to purchase news aggregator Digg for $50 million in cash, stocks, and Deluxe Crispy Ranch Chicken BLTs. While this acquisition may seem odd to main street rednecks, talented Wall Street gurus at Goldmen Balls approved the deal. Full-time coffee bitch Richard Montauk explains, “Here are Goldmen Balls, we see so many synergies between McDonald’s and Digg. If both parties listen to our sound advice, the newly revamped corporation could benefit from balanced vertical integration, diversification, consularization.”
Most of America is familiar with the golden arches for many decades; Digg, however, was founded only a couple years back and is known to a much smaller market. According to Encyclopedia Britannia, Digg is a daily paper publication powered by the people for the people. Every night, fans from all across the United States mail in snippets of their favorite written or visual pieces from a wide-array of books, newspapers, and magazines. Next, Digg’s ever-diligent staff of over 5,000 Hispanic migrant workers files these submissions. The most popular submissions bubble up to the top and get printed in color on the homepage.
Digg’s founder Kevin Rose was ecstatic about the news, providing merely two words of commentary, “I’m rich!” Senior project manager Alvarez Velasquez Perez showed only mediocre levels of enthusiasm. “I guess being bought by McDonald’s is ok. Hopefully, I’ll get to keep my job as a manager. Now me, my ma, my pa, and my younger brother will all work for the same company. God bless the USA.”
Although the acquisition still needs FTC clearance, Digg has already begun integrating McDonald’s products onto its daily frontpage. Wall Street believes the deal will get FTC approval by the end of 2010.
The 12th annual CESPOOL conference attracted hundreds of attendees in Las Vegas this weekend and they were all excited about one product – the book. Dozens of companies showed off their latest models, all of which have in common the new flexible ‘paper’ display and ‘binding’ technology.
The form factors varied, with some vendors showcasing additional features like built-in ‘bookmarks’ and ‘appendices’. A particularly high-end offering from Ericsung boasted ‘pop-up’ technology, which allows viewers to experience wholly-immersive 3d scenery.
Users have warmed to the ‘flipping’ paradigm of reading and the brief moment between the current and next pages no longer seems to be a significant handicap for the devices. Noting readers’ hunger for new features, the new paper displays allow for instant annotation and are compatible with pencils, pens, highlighters, and even markers of all makes and models. The newest displays even offer eraser compatibility and white-out friendly pages.
Of course, consumers can expect to pay a bit more for the extra features – especially for the fact that books are physically present and tangible. They run from $14.99 for the lower-grade paperback lines to premium hardcover offerings at an average price of $24.99. Buyers in Canada can expect to pay several dollars more for the same product thanks to the longstanding envious grudge held against them for socialized medicine.
Whispers abounded on the CESPOOL conference floor about a new book or ‘tablet’ reading device from Apple Whole Food. Rumored to be chiseled from the finest granite, the holy buzz around this new product is palpable.
Riding the wave of new reading products, books are coming as the e-reader phase wanes. All of these products, however, face a challenging trend – the average adult reads less than five words per day on average (including traffic signs), down from several hundred just a decade ago. This dramatic decrease has been blamed by some, particularly the on the widespread availability of audio cassettes and dirty magazines with color pictures. Equipment makers hailing books as the new device to save reading certainly have a lot to prove in the coming months.
For eight years now, the mysterious international social club BeautifulPricks has shied away from direct media coverage. Founded by two prince charmings – Robert Hintze and Greg Hodge, BeautifulPricks is a place for “aesthetically pleasing people to meet other aesthetically pleasing people.” To put it in terms us common folk can understand – “no fat people.”
To join this social club, you must submit ten undoctored photographs highlighting your physique. Over the course of the next three days existing members of the opposite sex will vote whether you have the looks to become a member of BeautifulPricks.
These gruesome vanity tests do not stop here. All members must continually submit additional pictures of themselves to remain in the club. People who are deemed too beautiful must submit daily pictures to verify they are actually beautiful. According to Greg, “We follow these gruesome procedures to root out imposters and ugly graphic designers with good Photoshop skills.” For example, three months ago a “Trinity Peterson” was caught using photos of her ex-boyfriend’s hot sister to stay in the game. “Trinity” whose real name still remains undisclosed turned out to be a 30-year old fat Asian chick with stubby legs from New York City.
Recently, BeautifulPricks made headlines across the world when they publicly expelled 5,000 members for “gaining holiday weight.” While there have been multiple mass expulsions in the last few years, this recent cleansing is the largest to date. Out of the 5,000 people who couldn’t control themselves from gorging down that extra turkey leg, a staggering 70% were Americans.
To make matters worse, two recently expelled Americans managed to get their hands on the following photograph of Robert Hintze, the fat guy on the right. “We got expelled because we put on a couple of pounds. That’s fair. But why does that fat fuck get to stay in the club?” asked one of the two ex-BeautifulPricks.
The board of directors of BeautifulPricks is currently in deliberation over what to do about this scandal. It turns out for the last couple of years, Robert, like Trinity Peterson from New York City, had committed the same crime of using illegitimate pictures to stay in the club. The board’s decision is expected in the upcoming weeks.
Fabian’s report was filed from the Mountain View county jail. After an unsuccessful attempt to sneak back into Le Go-Go’s headquarters to recover his grandma’s moving picture camera, he ended up spending the night behind bars.
Le Go-Go Group proudly announced the highly anticipated Nexus One device yesterday during a morning press conference. While Wall Street analysts forecasted another cellular gadget, Le Go-Go’s Nexus One turned out to be much more than just another phone. As shown in the promotional advertisement below, the device resembles a hybrid of a watch, a miniature cellphone, and an electronic ankle bracelet registered criminal offenders wear when serving probations.
Andy Lai, the head of Le Go-Go Group’s communications team lead the keynote. Andy proudly announced, “Le Go-Go and our Asian subsidiary hardware companies have launched six devices running our award winning Andy Operating System. Today we’re here to revolutionize the mobile space once more with the Nexus One!”
According to Andy, the Nexus One has two comparative advantages. First, the device will be marketed as a macho internet phone. Its slogan: “where phone meets the internet.” Like the other AndyOS devices, the Nexus One will be able to run any number of user-installable applications available from the Andy Marketplace. This places Le Go-Go in direct competition with Apple Whole Food Market’s extremely popular bPhone or commonly known as the Banana Phone. Second, to gain market share and truly dominate the mobile space, Le Go-Go is making an unprecedented move to offer the unlocked version of the device for free. If users decide to sign up for a 2-year contract with T-Mobile, Le Go-Go will even rebate $80.
“Imagine a world where anyone can get a phone for free! Le Go-Go is making that dream a reality.”
Le Go-Go is offering the Nexus One to three different groups of end consumers. For regular folks, the unlocked version is free. Free shipping is also included. The package comes with all the essential accessories like the ankle bracelet and the USB cable. For convicted inmates serving a sentence longer than 30-days, Le Go-Go is offering the Nexus One package along with free mobile service for only two packs of cigarettes, cigarettes being the most prevalent form of currency in today’s jails. Finally, for those daring few who want to lock in with T-Mobile’s shoddy service for two years, Le Go-Go will pay you $80.
What’s the Catch?
By now you might wonder why Le Go-Go Group, the hallmark of capitalism, is practically giving away cash. MIT Sloan Professor Dmitri Tarasov explains, “Although Le Go-Go is one of the biggest conglomerates in American history, its executive team recently recognized the value of harvesting information for profit. Unlike other cellular devices, each Nexus One is connected with Le Go-Go’s data center. Every character you type, every call you make, every picture you take, every phrase you query will be logged by Le Go-Go and filed away for later use.”
Tarasov continues, “Think 1984. Now replace the totalitarian government with a totalitarian and basically omniscient company. People are trading their privacy for free gadgets. Whoever came up with the Nexus One’s product design actually did a great job. Consumers are essentially wearing these things like electronic ankle bracelets, things normally reserved for convicted felons on probation.”
When asked whether he will be taking advantage of the Nexus One deal, Tarasov replied, “I would rather shoot myself in the foot.”