朋友们，同事们，妈妈。前两天在咨询过一个算命先生后，我们决定去中囯避难一阵子。我们被告知在未来的一年内停止撰写这些美丽的博客文章，因为显然届时我们一直取乐的那个网站将被一个巨大的失败的互联网公司购买。我们等不及这一天的到来。请不要忘记我们。我们将回来复仇。2011年再见。

After another year of disastrous sales, Westman Kodak’s senior leadership team decided to completely revamp the company’s business plan from the grounds up. As many analysts have predicted, Kodak’s late entry in the digital camera arena caused the company to fall more than a decade behind its Japanese competitors when it comes to the underlying camera technology. “We were very certain America did not have enough money to buy these new cameras with LCD screens,” says CEO Tony Pencz. “Boy did we get that one wrong.”

Instead of spending another two billion dollars on research and development to catch up with the Japanese, Kodak plans on taking the easier way out – become an intellectual property law firm. CEO Tony Pencz explains, “You see, after being in business for more than a century, our company has been granted a vast collection of patents. In the last fiscal year, by simply suing other companies, our 12-person legal department brought in more revenue than the rest of the company combined. Nokia successfully made this switch in 2009 after Apple Whole Food Market brought Nokia to its knees with its Banana Phone. I don’t see why we can’t do the same.”

According to Wall Street, by the end of February, 95% of all Kodak R&D and Sales employees will be laid off. 50% of middle management, especially managers with engineering backgrounds, will also be shown the door. In their place, a huge team of patent lawyers will be brought on board to fill the cubicles. The company will be rebranded Westman Kodak Intellectual Property, LLP.

Westman Kodak’s first order of business will be suing Apple and Blueberry Technologies for patent infringement. The initial cease and desist letters have already been issued. Apparently, Kodak currently holds the patent to “color pictures.” If this initial legal proceed proves successful, Kodak plans to continue its legal rampage by suing most of the S&P 500. This is going to be a wild ride.

Thanks to the brilliant investigative journalism of our close affiliates at Fox News and TMZ, we recently learned the Chinese man turned out to be one of Schmidt’s closest friends. Schmidt’s youngest son, 12-year old George, nicknamed Goog, was often seen by neighborhood parents playing with a Chinese boy. This Chinese boy most likely is the son of the Hu Bingtao, the Chinese man found fighting with Schmidt.

The according to SFPD, the argument started when Schmidt accused Hu of intentionally installing a key logger on Schmidt’s family computer. Being the head of Le Go-Go Group, Schmidt values his family’s privacy tremendously. He forbids his family from using web-based email or storing documents online. Every file is kept locally, encrypted on the hard drive.

Hu denies these accusations, calling Schmidt “a paranoid crazy man who has anger issues.” In Hu’s account of the incident, “Schmidt flipped out when he found BonziBuddy installed on his computer and immediately called in two teenagers from Geek Squad. After wasting three hours trying to figure out how to turn the damn thing on, the incompetent duo told Schmidt it was a key logger. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a black eye.”

As of this hour, Hu is not pressing charges. Unless Schmidt formally apologizes, Hu is planning on permanently breaking off all personal and business ties with Schmidt. More to come as this story develops.

After twenty-two hours of closed-door deliberations late Sunday night, America’s largest fast food chain McDonald’s agreed to purchase news aggregator Digg for $50 million in cash, stocks, and Deluxe Crispy Ranch Chicken BLTs. While this acquisition may seem odd to main street rednecks, talented Wall Street gurus at Goldmen Balls approved the deal. Full-time coffee bitch Richard Montauk explains, “Here are Goldmen Balls, we see so many synergies between McDonald’s and Digg. If both parties listen to our sound advice, the newly revamped corporation could benefit from balanced vertical integration, diversification, consularization.”

Most of America is familiar with the golden arches for many decades; Digg, however, was founded only a couple years back and is known to a much smaller market. According to Encyclopedia Britannia, Digg is a daily paper publication powered by the people for the people. Every night, fans from all across the United States mail in snippets of their favorite written or visual pieces from a wide-array of books, newspapers, and magazines. Next, Digg’s ever-diligent staff of over 5,000 Hispanic migrant workers files these submissions. The most popular submissions bubble up to the top and get printed in color on the homepage.

Digg’s founder Kevin Rose was ecstatic about the news, providing merely two words of commentary, “I’m rich!” Senior project manager Alvarez Velasquez Perez showed only mediocre levels of enthusiasm. “I guess being bought by McDonald’s is ok. Hopefully, I’ll get to keep my job as a manager. Now me, my ma, my pa, and my younger brother will all work for the same company. God bless the USA.”

Although the acquisition still needs FTC clearance, Digg has already begun integrating McDonald’s products onto its daily frontpage. Wall Street believes the deal will get FTC approval by the end of 2010.

To join this social club, you must submit ten undoctored photographs highlighting your physique. Over the course of the next three days existing members of the opposite sex will vote whether you have the looks to become a member of BeautifulPricks.

These gruesome vanity tests do not stop here. All members must continually submit additional pictures of themselves to remain in the club. People who are deemed too beautiful must submit daily pictures to verify they are actually beautiful. According to Greg, “We follow these gruesome procedures to root out imposters and ugly graphic designers with good Photoshop skills.” For example, three months ago a “Trinity Peterson” was caught using photos of her ex-boyfriend’s hot sister to stay in the game. “Trinity” whose real name still remains undisclosed turned out to be a 30-year old fat Asian chick with stubby legs from New York City.

Recently, BeautifulPricks made headlines across the world when they publicly expelled 5,000 members for “gaining holiday weight.” While there have been multiple mass expulsions in the last few years, this recent cleansing is the largest to date. Out of the 5,000 people who couldn’t control themselves from gorging down that extra turkey leg, a staggering 70% were Americans.

To make matters worse, two recently expelled Americans managed to get their hands on the following photograph of Robert Hintze, the fat guy on the right. “We got expelled because we put on a couple of pounds. That’s fair. But why does that fat fuck get to stay in the club?” asked one of the two ex-BeautifulPricks.

The board of directors of BeautifulPricks is currently in deliberation over what to do about this scandal. It turns out for the last couple of years, Robert, like Trinity Peterson from New York City, had committed the same crime of using illegitimate pictures to stay in the club. The board’s decision is expected in the upcoming weeks.

Le Go-Go Group proudly announced the highly anticipated Nexus One device yesterday during a morning press conference. While Wall Street analysts forecasted another cellular gadget, Le Go-Go’s Nexus One turned out to be much more than just another phone. As shown in the promotional advertisement below, the device resembles a hybrid of a watch, a miniature cellphone, and an electronic ankle bracelet registered criminal offenders wear when serving probations.

Andy Lai, the head of Le Go-Go Group’s communications team lead the keynote. Andy proudly announced, “Le Go-Go and our Asian subsidiary hardware companies have launched six devices running our award winning Andy Operating System. Today we’re here to revolutionize the mobile space once more with the Nexus One!”

According to Andy, the Nexus One has two comparative advantages. First, the device will be marketed as a macho internet phone. Its slogan: “where phone meets the internet.” Like the other AndyOS devices, the Nexus One will be able to run any number of user-installable applications available from the Andy Marketplace. This places Le Go-Go in direct competition with Apple Whole Food Market’s extremely popular bPhone or commonly known as the Banana Phone. Second, to gain market share and truly dominate the mobile space, Le Go-Go is making an unprecedented move to offer the unlocked version of the device for free. If users decide to sign up for a 2-year contract with T-Mobile, Le Go-Go will even rebate $80.

“Imagine a world where anyone can get a phone for free! Le Go-Go is making that dream a reality.”

Pricing Details

Le Go-Go is offering the Nexus One to three different groups of end consumers. For regular folks, the unlocked version is free. Free shipping is also included. The package comes with all the essential accessories like the ankle bracelet and the USB cable. For convicted inmates serving a sentence longer than 30-days, Le Go-Go is offering the Nexus One package along with free mobile service for only two packs of cigarettes, cigarettes being the most prevalent form of currency in today’s jails. Finally, for those daring few who want to lock in with T-Mobile’s shoddy service for two years, Le Go-Go will pay you $80.

What’s the Catch?

By now you might wonder why Le Go-Go Group, the hallmark of capitalism, is practically giving away cash. MIT Sloan Professor Dmitri Tarasov explains, “Although Le Go-Go is one of the biggest conglomerates in American history, its executive team recently recognized the value of harvesting information for profit. Unlike other cellular devices, each Nexus One is connected with Le Go-Go’s data center. Every character you type, every call you make, every picture you take, every phrase you query will be logged by Le Go-Go and filed away for later use.”

Tarasov continues, “Think 1984. Now replace the totalitarian government with a totalitarian and basically omniscient company. People are trading their privacy for free gadgets. Whoever came up with the Nexus One’s product design actually did a great job. Consumers are essentially wearing these things like electronic ankle bracelets, things normally reserved for convicted felons on probation.”

When asked whether he will be taking advantage of the Nexus One deal, Tarasov replied, “I would rather shoot myself in the foot.”

YouTube’s Laws

“Out of all the modern countries in today’s world, only YouTube permits public executions without a proper judicial process,” says Professor Jennifer Wilson, a historian from Yale University. “YouTubians can be dragged out of their beds in the dark of night, jailed, and publically executed. While most victims of these practices are adults, Lukey was the first juvenile to suffer the cruel fate of death.”

Kate Greenburg saw the execution first hand. “It was horrific. Absolutely horrific. They dragged that poor boy and all his belongings into Schmidtville’s town center. A guy wearing a mask approached him with a huge blade and cut the poor [inaudible] poor child right open. Another executioner threw Lukey’s body into a raging bonfire along with all of Lukey’s belongings.”

Revenge

When news of Lukey Wes’ execution spread outside of YouTube, Lukey immediately became a martyr, a king, even a God to some folk. Many anonymous found this act distasteful and downright disgusting. Many more dropped what they’re doing and joined the fight. “We will avenge him.”

January 6, 2010 is right around the corner.

Update

Intelligence reports point to a 9PM GMT strike. Spectators of the epic battle in the United States should tune in at the following times:

• 4PM Eastern Time
• 3PM Central Time
• 2PM Mountain Time
• 1PM Pacific Time

We have front row seats to the 10:30AM Pacific or 1:30 PM Eastern launch event. Please join us.

The event will be covered live via carrier pigeon. Our updates will be transcribed by our intern below. There’s no need to refresh.

• 2:00 AM crunchteam - We are camped outside of 1600 Coliseum Boulevard in beautiful Mountain View, California. Going to heat up some tea.
• 2:20 AM crunchteam - We definitely showed up way to early for this thing. See lights and people in the distance. Going to introduce ourselves.
• 2:32 AM crunchteam -
  
• 2:37 AM crunchteam - Met a couple of Le Go-Go employees waiting for the midnight shuttle. They’re very excited about the new device. Alright, we’re going to call it a night and get some sleep in the car. We’ll see you tomorrow morning for the event. 10:30AM PST / 1:30PM EST.
• 12:22 PM crunchteam -
  
• 12:22 PM crunchteam - We’re awake! Percival took this snapshot of a stray dog a couple of minutes ago in front of a Le Go-Go sign.
• 12:32 PM crunchteam - Le Go-Go still has not informed anyone what “Nexus One” actually is. Even the industry analysts at America’s best banks remain clueless. Stick with us to find out! The event starts in one hour.
• 12:51 PM crunchteam - Rumors going around price the device between $50 and $1,500.
• 12:58 PM crunchteam -
  
• 1:01 PM crunchteam - And we’re in! The event will start in 30 minutes. As someone who spent the night in a car, I feel surprisingly upbeat. This device better be worth the wait.
• 1:04 PM crunchteam - Classic music is playing in the background. Caviar is being served by a bald man wearing a tux. The international conglomerate Le Go-Go Group is the epitome of capitalism and corporate power.
• 1:06 PM crunchteam - We see Andy Lai, a 2009 Harvard graduate, now king of the Le Go-Go communications team.
• 1:09 PM crunchteam -
  
• 1:11 PM crunchteam - 20 minutes to go! The lighting is rather gloomy for our tastes. It wasn’t for the project and the four wall spotlights the room would be pitch black.
• 1:12 PM crunchteam - What are your thoughts about this mystery device? Want participate in TechCrunch.NET’s first live blog? Voice your opinion @ bit.ly
• 1:15 PM crunchteam - Le Go-Go Group has been in intense competition with Apple. How hilarious would it be if the head of Apple Whole Food Market’s CEO came on the stage right now?
• 1:18 PM crunchteam -
  
• 1:20 PM crunchteam - Please excuse the quality of these pictures. Our Kodak instant camera’s native resolution is not that high. Factoring in all the scanning our intern is doing at the other end, we are doing the best we can.
• 1:26 PM crunchteam - Oh no.
• 1:28 PM crunchteam -
  
• 1:29 PM crunchteam - We have good news and bad news. First the bad news. It turns out the guy who sold us these press passes didn’t work for Le Go-Go Group. We were kicked out for having counterfeit passes.
• 1:31 PM crunchteam - The good news is, we left one of our moving picture cameras inside the press conference room. After the event’s over, we’re going to try to sneak inside to recover the footage. Stay tuned.
• 1:32 PM john - Way to go.
• 1:32 PM crunchteam - We apologize for the inconvenience John.
• 1:35 PM crunchteam -
  
• 1:36 PM crunchteam - Two security guards literally dragged us off the premises. We managed to snap this photo on our way out.
• 1:40 PM crunchteam - Ok folks. Tune in at a much later hour (probably during the wee hours of the morning) for our journey back into the Le Go-Go complex. My grandmother gave me that moving picture camera and I am not leaving Mountain View without it.

Fortunately, unlike Alec’s testosterone deficient brother, the rest of these hard working entrepreneurs are not going without a fight. In the Palo Alto area, several restaurants owners have painted extra lines in their parking lots for daily four square tournaments. While newcomers are often dumbfounded to find a bunch of adults jumping around on poorly painted pavement shouting and throwing balls around, native Palo Alto residents are accustomed to this uncanny ritual.

Dennis Ham of Sunrise Diner explains, “The process is actually very simple. We have two tournaments every day. A couple of hours before the lunch rush and a couple of hours before the dinner rush. The game is called four square. The person who ends up in the fourth square earns the title of ‘Mayor’. To incentivize folks to play, our mayor not only receives the awesome title but also gets free food.”

“I think it’s a brilliant idea,” says Tim McGregor, a former YouFace employee. “After YouFace tanked, I have been bumming off of friends and food stamps. Having the ability to win my food by playing a game I love is astounding. Plus, most of the folks who don’t win mayorship usually eat at the restaurant anyways because they are too tired to go anywhere else.”

As more restaurants in the Palo Alto region yield to this tradition, restaurant owners are thinking about joining forces to rent a public bulletin board to post daily tournament results. These ingenious entrepreneurs are also debating whether to issue paper badges for traits like superior four square skills and sportsmanship. “People love to feel special,” explains Dennis. “By creating irrational desires for silly badges, we hope to drive even more people to eat our food.”

In case you weren’t brought up to speed by the major news networks, individuals who purchased 27-inch lemons are complaining about two major defects. As the user submitted picture below clearly shows, the first defect involves the thickness of the skin. Being a loyal Apple fanboy since 1995, Mel G. Siegler tells us, “In general Apple produce are high quality. I’m willing to pay a bit more for the extra quality. But selling a 27-inch lemon with 12-inches of inedible skin is ludicrous. Apple is defrauding its fan base.”

In addition to the first defect, customers are reporting these new lemons lack the correct flavor. Across the United States, Apple users are complaining the new lemons taste buttery, salty, even spicy. “I was so excited when the UPS guy delivered my 27-inch lemon,” says Tyrone Johnson, a 24 year old construction worker who saved five weeks of pay to purchase a new Apple lemon for his family. “After slicing the sucker open, I was shocked to see how little lemon there actually was. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The lemon Apple sent me tasted like raw peppers!”

Since the 27-inch lemon’s launch day, an anonymous source in Apple’s customer service division says there has been a 15x surge in call volume. “Apple really f- up with this new product. I usually don’t mind working overtime, but spending the holiday season in a cubical blows. I miss my family.”

Two days ago, Apple issued a temporary fix for the flavor issue. By mixing specified quantities of common chemical products found around the home, people at Apple claim the flavor can be correctly adjusted. So far, the fix does not appear to be working.

Apple’s management team declined to comment on the issue.