After another year of disastrous sales, Westman Kodak’s senior leadership team decided to completely revamp the company’s business plan from the grounds up. As many analysts have predicted, Kodak’s late entry in the digital camera arena caused the company to fall more than a decade behind its Japanese competitors when it comes to the underlying camera technology. “We were very certain America did not have enough money to buy these new cameras with LCD screens,” says CEO Tony Pencz. “Boy did we get that one wrong.”

Instead of spending another two billion dollars on research and development to catch up with the Japanese, Kodak plans on taking the easier way out – become an intellectual property law firm. CEO Tony Pencz explains, “You see, after being in business for more than a century, our company has been granted a vast collection of patents. In the last fiscal year, by simply suing other companies, our 12-person legal department brought in more revenue than the rest of the company combined. Nokia successfully made this switch in 2009 after Apple Whole Food Market brought Nokia to its knees with its Banana Phone. I don’t see why we can’t do the same.”

According to Wall Street, by the end of February, 95% of all Kodak R&D and Sales employees will be laid off. 50% of middle management, especially managers with engineering backgrounds, will also be shown the door. In their place, a huge team of patent lawyers will be brought on board to fill the cubicles. The company will be rebranded Westman Kodak Intellectual Property, LLP.

Westman Kodak’s first order of business will be suing Apple and Blueberry Technologies for patent infringement. The initial cease and desist letters have already been issued. Apparently, Kodak currently holds the patent to “color pictures.” If this initial legal proceed proves successful, Kodak plans to continue its legal rampage by suing most of the S&P 500. This is going to be a wild ride.

A parade of consumer goods now bears the ‘multi-touch’ label: typewriters, lamps, musical instruments, bras, and of course, phones. The craze started with the eyePhone sold at Apple Whole Foods stores which was smooth and pleasant to touch. People could not get enough of stroking and caressing the new gadget, and other manufacturers sought to emulate its appeal.

New phones including the Hand Fore and Blueberry Precipitation Event are also multi-touch, mimicking the smooth surface of a pebble. But smoothness has gone beyond phones. Users are clamoring for smoother and more soothing experiences with everything they buy. Appliance makers have rushed to create multi-touch surfaces for all of their products and even granite counters are getting the multi-touch treatment. And in a multi-touch world, buyers are now upset when what they buy or use isn’t.

People are abandoning rough turtles and spiny fish for softer and more touchable domestic animals including dogs, cats, and sheep. Across the country, people have staged burnings of 2-ply toilet paper and Scott’s has introduced a 16-ply version in response.

“When you buy one of these newfangled Le Go-Go Nexus thingamajigs, you expect a certain level of touchability”, said John Sellers of Inglewood, while standing in a long line to multi-touch “The County’s Softest Multi-touch Horse and Lamb” at a local petting zoo. On Tuesday, the line was four hours long – another symptom of the multi-touch craze.

“I wish my wife were multi-touch..” mused Eric Weitzman of Santa Ana, standing in the same line. His wife, standing next to him, agreed.

The form factors varied, with some vendors showcasing additional features like built-in ‘bookmarks’ and ‘appendices’. A particularly high-end offering from Ericsung boasted ‘pop-up’ technology, which allows viewers to experience wholly-immersive 3d scenery.

Users have warmed to the ‘flipping’ paradigm of reading and the brief moment between the current and next pages no longer seems to be a significant handicap for the devices. Noting readers’ hunger for new features, the new paper displays allow for instant annotation and are compatible with pencils, pens, highlighters, and even markers of all makes and models. The newest displays even offer eraser compatibility and white-out friendly pages.

Of course, consumers can expect to pay a bit more for the extra features – especially for the fact that books are physically present and tangible. They run from $14.99 for the lower-grade paperback lines to premium hardcover offerings at an average price of $24.99. Buyers in Canada can expect to pay several dollars more for the same product thanks to the longstanding envious grudge held against them for socialized medicine.

Whispers abounded on the CESPOOL conference floor about a new book or ‘tablet’ reading device from Apple Whole Food. Rumored to be chiseled from the finest granite, the holy buzz around this new product is palpable.

Riding the wave of new reading products, books are coming as the e-reader phase wanes. All of these products, however, face a challenging trend – the average adult reads less than five words per day on average (including traffic signs), down from several hundred just a decade ago. This dramatic decrease has been blamed by some, particularly the on the widespread availability of audio cassettes and dirty magazines with color pictures. Equipment makers hailing books as the new device to save reading certainly have a lot to prove in the coming months.

Le Go-Go Group proudly announced the highly anticipated Nexus One device yesterday during a morning press conference. While Wall Street analysts forecasted another cellular gadget, Le Go-Go’s Nexus One turned out to be much more than just another phone. As shown in the promotional advertisement below, the device resembles a hybrid of a watch, a miniature cellphone, and an electronic ankle bracelet registered criminal offenders wear when serving probations.

Andy Lai, the head of Le Go-Go Group’s communications team lead the keynote. Andy proudly announced, “Le Go-Go and our Asian subsidiary hardware companies have launched six devices running our award winning Andy Operating System. Today we’re here to revolutionize the mobile space once more with the Nexus One!”

According to Andy, the Nexus One has two comparative advantages. First, the device will be marketed as a macho internet phone. Its slogan: “where phone meets the internet.” Like the other AndyOS devices, the Nexus One will be able to run any number of user-installable applications available from the Andy Marketplace. This places Le Go-Go in direct competition with Apple Whole Food Market’s extremely popular bPhone or commonly known as the Banana Phone. Second, to gain market share and truly dominate the mobile space, Le Go-Go is making an unprecedented move to offer the unlocked version of the device for free. If users decide to sign up for a 2-year contract with T-Mobile, Le Go-Go will even rebate $80.

“Imagine a world where anyone can get a phone for free! Le Go-Go is making that dream a reality.”

Pricing Details

Le Go-Go is offering the Nexus One to three different groups of end consumers. For regular folks, the unlocked version is free. Free shipping is also included. The package comes with all the essential accessories like the ankle bracelet and the USB cable. For convicted inmates serving a sentence longer than 30-days, Le Go-Go is offering the Nexus One package along with free mobile service for only two packs of cigarettes, cigarettes being the most prevalent form of currency in today’s jails. Finally, for those daring few who want to lock in with T-Mobile’s shoddy service for two years, Le Go-Go will pay you $80.

What’s the Catch?

By now you might wonder why Le Go-Go Group, the hallmark of capitalism, is practically giving away cash. MIT Sloan Professor Dmitri Tarasov explains, “Although Le Go-Go is one of the biggest conglomerates in American history, its executive team recently recognized the value of harvesting information for profit. Unlike other cellular devices, each Nexus One is connected with Le Go-Go’s data center. Every character you type, every call you make, every picture you take, every phrase you query will be logged by Le Go-Go and filed away for later use.”

Tarasov continues, “Think 1984. Now replace the totalitarian government with a totalitarian and basically omniscient company. People are trading their privacy for free gadgets. Whoever came up with the Nexus One’s product design actually did a great job. Consumers are essentially wearing these things like electronic ankle bracelets, things normally reserved for convicted felons on probation.”

When asked whether he will be taking advantage of the Nexus One deal, Tarasov replied, “I would rather shoot myself in the foot.”

In case you weren’t brought up to speed by the major news networks, individuals who purchased 27-inch lemons are complaining about two major defects. As the user submitted picture below clearly shows, the first defect involves the thickness of the skin. Being a loyal Apple fanboy since 1995, Mel G. Siegler tells us, “In general Apple produce are high quality. I’m willing to pay a bit more for the extra quality. But selling a 27-inch lemon with 12-inches of inedible skin is ludicrous. Apple is defrauding its fan base.”

In addition to the first defect, customers are reporting these new lemons lack the correct flavor. Across the United States, Apple users are complaining the new lemons taste buttery, salty, even spicy. “I was so excited when the UPS guy delivered my 27-inch lemon,” says Tyrone Johnson, a 24 year old construction worker who saved five weeks of pay to purchase a new Apple lemon for his family. “After slicing the sucker open, I was shocked to see how little lemon there actually was. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The lemon Apple sent me tasted like raw peppers!”

Since the 27-inch lemon’s launch day, an anonymous source in Apple’s customer service division says there has been a 15x surge in call volume. “Apple really f- up with this new product. I usually don’t mind working overtime, but spending the holiday season in a cubical blows. I miss my family.”

Two days ago, Apple issued a temporary fix for the flavor issue. By mixing specified quantities of common chemical products found around the home, people at Apple claim the flavor can be correctly adjusted. So far, the fix does not appear to be working.

Apple’s management team declined to comment on the issue.