After another year of disastrous sales, Westman Kodak’s senior leadership team decided to completely revamp the company’s business plan from the grounds up. As many analysts have predicted, Kodak’s late entry in the digital camera arena caused the company to fall more than a decade behind its Japanese competitors when it comes to the underlying camera technology. “We were very certain America did not have enough money to buy these new cameras with LCD screens,” says CEO Tony Pencz. “Boy did we get that one wrong.”

Instead of spending another two billion dollars on research and development to catch up with the Japanese, Kodak plans on taking the easier way out – become an intellectual property law firm. CEO Tony Pencz explains, “You see, after being in business for more than a century, our company has been granted a vast collection of patents. In the last fiscal year, by simply suing other companies, our 12-person legal department brought in more revenue than the rest of the company combined. Nokia successfully made this switch in 2009 after Apple Whole Food Market brought Nokia to its knees with its Banana Phone. I don’t see why we can’t do the same.”

According to Wall Street, by the end of February, 95% of all Kodak R&D and Sales employees will be laid off. 50% of middle management, especially managers with engineering backgrounds, will also be shown the door. In their place, a huge team of patent lawyers will be brought on board to fill the cubicles. The company will be rebranded Westman Kodak Intellectual Property, LLP.

Westman Kodak’s first order of business will be suing Apple and Blueberry Technologies for patent infringement. The initial cease and desist letters have already been issued. Apparently, Kodak currently holds the patent to “color pictures.” If this initial legal proceed proves successful, Kodak plans to continue its legal rampage by suing most of the S&P 500. This is going to be a wild ride.

A parade of consumer goods now bears the ‘multi-touch’ label: typewriters, lamps, musical instruments, bras, and of course, phones. The craze started with the eyePhone sold at Apple Whole Foods stores which was smooth and pleasant to touch. People could not get enough of stroking and caressing the new gadget, and other manufacturers sought to emulate its appeal.

New phones including the Hand Fore and Blueberry Precipitation Event are also multi-touch, mimicking the smooth surface of a pebble. But smoothness has gone beyond phones. Users are clamoring for smoother and more soothing experiences with everything they buy. Appliance makers have rushed to create multi-touch surfaces for all of their products and even granite counters are getting the multi-touch treatment. And in a multi-touch world, buyers are now upset when what they buy or use isn’t.

People are abandoning rough turtles and spiny fish for softer and more touchable domestic animals including dogs, cats, and sheep. Across the country, people have staged burnings of 2-ply toilet paper and Scott’s has introduced a 16-ply version in response.

“When you buy one of these newfangled Le Go-Go Nexus thingamajigs, you expect a certain level of touchability”, said John Sellers of Inglewood, while standing in a long line to multi-touch “The County’s Softest Multi-touch Horse and Lamb” at a local petting zoo. On Tuesday, the line was four hours long – another symptom of the multi-touch craze.

“I wish my wife were multi-touch..” mused Eric Weitzman of Santa Ana, standing in the same line. His wife, standing next to him, agreed.